Life has been moving insanely quick for me. I’m learning to take breaks and slow down. Reevaluating goals and breakdown how I would strive towards success. It’s easy to hate someone that worries about their grind but it’s the toughest to match their ambition. Majority of beef that people have towards me, is one sided.
Industry: I’ve realized that industry is so different… kinda… harsh. I believe that people think modeling is glitz and glam, and nightlife is pure fun. However, nightlife is actually hard work. I’m lucky to have good friends. We are tired by the end of the night. My body has to become acclimated to the changes and stress.. which knocked my hormones out of control. I am having to relearn everything. Modeling, if you don’t have enough time to invest into yourself, ie hair, nails and gym. It’s hard to stay healthy and relative. You can be a cute girl but when people find out you’re a model, they are SUPER critical of you. Not only by your peers, but your own. Then, on the top of that, I deal with people that I’ve looked up to, that love to constantly put me down, talk down on me, and a community that would rather talk of me rather than address anything to my face. People that pray on your downfall, constantly. It’s a ton of negativity I put up with on my other side of my life. I deal with people thinking I am a total B*TCH but never having the chance to meet me in person. I have men that hate me for ghosting them. Men, that think I’m a gold digger because they feel inferior to men I’ve dated. I like people with ambition. I have women that don’t like me because of their friends. A modeling industry that treats everyone like they’re replaceable because they are. I’ve realized that when I focus on my grind, everything else around me falls. Modeling is not my catalyst. I am more inclined to run towards where I make the most money. Yes, it’s a brand but I wish I could just be normal again. Where every single move I do isn’t taken out of context. Where, it’s okay for my to have an off day. Corporate and family are really what keep me stable. I love my new friends I’ve made but Jesus. It’s tough to find balance but I’ve realized that the best come from a life without balance and most people that are normal wouldn’t understand that. I had to learn to not focus on anyone that speaks bad upon me. They don’t know me personally, just rumors. It’s high school again, and that part I have to stay neutral and work. Be more focused on goals. My body feels super depleted, truthfully. You can see the exhaustion. I want to quit but I remind myself that I have no other choice but to keep pushing. That’s the self deprecating portion of my life. I will die trying to get where I want to go. I think, that’s why I have a good understanding of sales. I’ve learned that sometimes you only get one shot for an opportunity. I tend to go with the flow, and that’s not really working out for me. Now, I am having to control everything, again.. which that used to be a problem. I’m learning to let go of people that are only around when I am doing good. If they can’t starve with you, they don’t need a seat at your table. My outlook in life is becoming very perplexed especially, after my first year. I really can’t mess up anymore. It’s either, “Kim doesn’t have the same energy”, “She’s too cocky”, or “I have tea on her”. I can’t have the same energy as I did when I was starting because I would be dancing with everyone, flirting and laughing. Now, I can’t even touch or talk to someone without the circumstances being misconstrued. Or, people think I am constantly cheating or being deceptive. I read energy well, so I can tell spot on from the jump. I feel that I am just tired and burnt out. I am super misunderstood, and maybe it’s because I don’t show the side where I am fun and goofy. So, no more men, women, and just focus on myself. People see, “Kim” they don’t see the mental breakdowns that occur every two days, they don’t see the agendas, self criticism, white board with duties and accolades to achieve. It looks like I’m having fun. Truth be told, I am tired, depressed, and alone majority of the times. Everything takes a toll on me, I know how to brush it off. I don’t even know who I can trust most of the times. My mind is my greatest enemy and best friend. I’ve pushed myself to great amounts of extents that most people wouldn’t be able to. Sometimes, I forget that I am a human being. I was too softhearted for this cold industry. It’s sink or swim, negative words.. this is only because I’m not just nightlife. I am literally a model. I really find it tough to navigate this portion of my life. I feel scattered, mentally and physically beat.
The crazy part is that those that have already paved their way, they’ve dealt with this. So, I guess this is just my turn.
Everything else that’s important, I would rather keep that world away from everything that can taint it. I’m understanding self worth and trusting God. New chapter, even though I feel like I’m losing myself.. I am the toughest critics. Trust me, you have no idea. Then again, I’ve survived so much that most people couldn’t endure.
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